Five by Five—Exploring a connection with mom

By Max Bowen

In her memoir, “The History We Carry,” Margaret Whitford explores her relationship with her mother, which the author describes as at “an emotional and physical distance from each other.”

Whitford said she was inspired to write this book following her mothers passing, which she was not present for. Whitford begins uncovering the history that shaped their relationship—from wartime Europe to cycles of violence, loss, and complex PTSD. In doing so, she explores how generational trauma shapes identity, relationships, and the ways we move through the world.

Visit https://margaretwhitford.com for more information and to get your copy.

How would you describe your relationship with your mother?
I loved my mother deeply and believe she loved me but I could not feel the warmth of her love. It was something I understood intellectually. In that sense, we remained at both an emotional and physical distance from each other. In retrospect, I can see that my mother tried to express her love for me—in her words of encouragement, in acts of kindness—but my anger often kept me from appreciating her efforts to reach me.

What inspired you to write this book?
I was not with my mother during her final days, and I could have been. After she died, I realized that the distance between us fit a familiar pattern. Understanding its origins became the catalyst for the memoir. That led me to an exploration of my mother's history and the way it had shaped her and our relationship.

Were there any parts of the book that were a challenge to write?
There were, of course, challenges of craft but these are part of the writing process. The parts of the book that required me to delve deeply into memories of my childhood and adolescence were often emotionally very difficult. Writing the book at times ignited my grief for my mother and the childhood I had wanted but did not have.

What’s your advice for those writing similar books?
Be clear about your motives for writing the book. If you are looking for revenge, you are not likely to treat your characters with integrity. Be as honest as you can by asking yourself what role you might have played in the events you are exploring. Do not shy away from revisiting experiences that haunt you. And, finally, take care of yourself physically and emotionally because writing about trauma can be painful.

What do you hope people get or learn from reading your book?
I hope readers will be encouraged to examine or reconsider challenging familial relationships—especially those with their primary caregivers—from a new perspective, one that asks questions about the forces that shaped these people. I also hope doing so will give readers new insights into the patterns of their own lives. And, finally, I hope this understanding encourages readers to set aside those behaviors and attitudes that do not serve them.

Ink and Riffs

Ink and Riffs is a regular review series written by me, Citywide Co-Host Max Bowen, to talk about what I’m reading and listening to and why I think it’s awesome. Feel free to send suggestions to citywidemax@yahoo.com.

INK

“Beneath the Trees Where Nobody Sees: Right of Spring” (comic)
This sequel to the 2024 release of this truly addictive title continues the story of Samantha Strong, everyone's favorite brown bear who runs the town hardware store. Just one thing: Samantha’s s serial killer with dozens of bodies buried in the woods, and no one’s safe—even the residents of the town of Woodbrook, where she calls home.
When the sister of one of Samantha’s victims comes to Woodbrook seeking answers, Samantha is only too happy to help….wait, what? Well, this one’s going to be interesting, and I tore through the issues to get to the absolute mind-blowing ending.
Check out more about the series at https://tinyurl.com/4jsrna4y.







“Making it So: A Memoir” (book)
I’ve been loving Patrick Stewart’s autobiography. “Making it So” covers his entire life, beginning with his childhood in the small town of Mirfield, England. I’m at the part where Stewart discovers his love of acting and we begin to see the direction his life is taking.
The book is really amazing. He holds nothing back, giving the reader such detail that it effortlessly paints the picture. He speaks to the good and the bad, such as the difficult home life caused by his father, and how it impacted him years later. Being a fan of Stewart’s work since “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” I was very happy to get this book for my birthday and cannot wait to see what’s on the next page.
You can find this book at your favorite book retailer.

RIFFS

“War Child” (music)
Pop-rock artist Mick Rochford’s “War Child” brings us the story of loss of children in wars. This is a powerful and heartfelt story with a message we should all hear. “You didn’t know my name, but you kill me all the same” is such a strong line, one of many that you find in this single.
Follow Mick on Instagram at rochfordmick.

“Primadonna” (music)
“Primadonna,” by Donna Dafi really drew me in and kept me listening with its strong, eclectic pop sounds. Dafi draws on her German, Nigerian and Albanian roots, and I got a sense of power throughout the song. The music has the kind of energy and passion that can’t be ignored.
Learn more about Donna’s music by following her on Instagram at donnadafi.

Five by Five—The story of a nontraditional traditional relationship

By Max Bowen 

Over 40 years, Marsh Rose and Jack shared a relationship living in separate homes but with a bond that ran deep. When Jack passed from a stroke, Marsh was encouraged to turn a column she was working into a memoir, “A Version of the Truth,” set to be released in October.

Set in the famed Northern California wine country, the book explores themes of feminism, sexuality, identity, love and loss, inviting readers to think about the search for truth and the ways in which we must confront its mystery to find a version we can live with.

In this interview, Marsh talks about how she and Jack met and the nature of their relationship. She talks about the grieving process after Jack passed and how she turned that story into this new memoir.

Let’s begin with how you and Jack met and how the relationship began.
We bonded over DIY projects. Jack was a neighbor when I lived in a decrepit rental in northern California. The landlord was upset about rent control (he deemed it “socialism”), he wouldn’t make repairs and the place was falling apart. Jack was a construction worker and helped keep the place from collapsing around me. We developed a routine of two nights a week together and daily phone calls. Neither of us wanted to get married or live together.

Can you talk more about the unique nature of your relationship?
We had little in common, superficially: no shared upbringing, lifestyle, interests or friends. But we both craved intimacy while also protecting our privacy and independence. This foundation helped me to allow our differences to inform my own life and perspectives over the years.

What was your grieving process, after so many years together?
I relied on two special friends, my journal which always helps anchor me to sanity, and the need to stay grounded so that I could keep working, remain healthy and possibly write about it.

What inspired you to share yours and Jack’s story?
I was working with my mentor, Marion Roach Smith, to develop an essay I hoped to submit to the New York Times’ “Modern Love” column, about helping a partner with health problems in a nontraditional relationship. When I was a few weeks away from finishing the essay, Jack had a stroke and…the ending happened, to my ultimate surprise. Marion and I decided to turn the essay into a full-length memoir. I see it less as a story about the relationship, which is just the vehicle, and more as the discovery that we don’t always get the answers we need.

Any messages that you hope the readers take from it?
These days, especially as AI becomes more and more prevalent in our lives, we’re led to believe we can have all the answers to all our mysteries. We can’t, but we can find a way to live with unanswerable questions. I hope the readers get that message. To abuse the wise words of Mick Jagger, we can’t always get what we want but maybe, in this story, some readers may get something they need.

Five by Five—From fantasy to family story

By Max Bowen

When author Mima Tipper began her writing career, the plan was to pen a young adult fantasy.

Instead, an advisor recommend she write something with a personal connection—leading to her new book, “Kat’s Greek Summer.”

In this Five by Five, Mima talks about the switch from fantasy to a memoir, her main character Kat and how writer and protagonist reflect one another and the theme of going back to your roots.


How did your own background help shape the story?
A year before I began writing the manuscript that would become “Kat’s Greek Summer,” I started an MFA program at Vermont College of Fine Arts. I went into that MFA ready to dive into a YA fantasy I’d been dreaming of writing for years. At the end of the semester, my advisor—though super kind about my dark faerie story—asked me if I’d consider writing something more personal.

At first, I was taken aback. I mean, I love fantasy, and those stories are the ones that got me writing. Something about her words stuck with me, and I began thinking of the Greek side of my family—my mother is Greek—and the many summers I spent in Greece during the first 16 or so years of my life. I didn’t want to write a memoir, and instead created a fictional main character—a girl as opposite to me at the age of 14 as possible—and began writing what I thought would be a fun, gripping, romantic, sun and sand-filled story.

As I wrote, a lot of my feelings about my family and heritage bubbled up, and soon my protagonist Kat Baker started saying and doing and asking things that I never had the courage to say or do or ask. These memories and feelings informed Kat’s story more and more, and the result of all that self-reflecting and imagining turned into “Kat’s Greek Summer.”

Does the story reflect much of your own youth?
Yes, like my main character Kat, I grew up between my two cultures, and never fully connected to my Greek half. When my Greek mother became an American, she wanted to be all American, so she didn’t speak Greek to me or my brother. That made spending summers in Greece fairly surreal. Though we loved my Greek grandparents, especially my yiayiá, my brother and I were expected simply to fit in with our Greek family without much help.

The real fishing village where we stayed is called Alepahori, though the place has changed quite a bit since my childhood. I loved capturing my memories of that place with the physical setting as well as the rustic cottage and relatives in “Kat’s Greek Summer.” Regarding the Greek characters and Kat’s relatives, most are compilations of my true family members and of Greeks I met during my Greek summers, especially my Yiayiá Sofia character. My own Yiayiá Kalomira passed away a bunch of years ago, and it was amazingly fun and personal to bring pieces of her back through my fiction. My character Kat’s story is fiction, but to be honest many, many aspects of her story hold the emotional truth I discovered exploring my own heritage growing up half Greek/half American.

Who is Theofilus and what makes him “off-limits”?
Theofilus is the young Greek fisherman my main character Kat falls for. There was a real Theofilus for me during one of my teen year Greek summers, and my Theofilus also did not speak English. We did have fun trying to communicate, and there were a lot of hand signals. The reason my character Theofilus is “off-limits” is because of his grandfather’s attitudes about how young girls should behave, and his very specific fear of all things American. No spoilers!

What is Kat’s experience going back to her roots?
Born and bred in New England, Kat hasn’t had much contact with her Greek family, so the foreignness of the language and culture is very alien to her. Also, the summer place is a tiny cottage located in a very rustic fishing village, and she finds herself cut off from her sport, her friends, her technology, and everything she knows. The food, the climate, the language are all foreign to her, making her question her Greek heritage, and feel more and more that she doesn’t belong.

What do you hope readers take away from this book?
When my readers turn the last page of “Kat’s Greek Summer,” I want them to take a big satisfied breath because they feel like they’ve gone along with Kat on her daring, swoony adventure in gorgeous Greece, and were rooting for her all the way. I want my readers to feel powerful and hopeful about their own possible choices and future. I want their takeaway from this reading experience to be the message that to belong anywhere or to anyone or anything, they must first belong to themselves.

 

Five by Five: Janine Kovac goes from the stage to the page

Janine Kovac

By Max Bowen

Author Janine Kovac began her life on stage dancing in Ballet El Paso’s production of “The Nutcracker.” After leaving the stage, Kovac adjusted to her new roles as a mother and audience member, watching her husband, children and students as they performed. Transitioning to writing, she penned her autobiography, “The Nutcracker Chronicles,” which pairs her story with that of the classic tale.

In this interview, Janine talks about how she made this pivot, her motivation for writing her memoir and what she hopes people take from the story.


Why did you want to write your memoir and what do you hope people take from reading your book?
I have been trying to make sense of the “Nutcracker” ballet since I first saw the production as a little girl. (The story that was adapted for the stage from E. T. A. Hoffmann’s “The Nutcracker and the Mouse King” leaves lots of room for questions).

At the same, I have been trying to make sense of the many roles dancers have. There are the roles onstage in the “Nutcracker”: baby mice, stalwart soldiers, delicate snowflakes and sugar plum fairies. But there are also the roles offstage. We start out as young, ambitious students. We become dedicated professionals. After we retire from the stage we are spouses, parents, teachers. Even though we might never wear another pair of pointe shoes, we are still dancers. Even when we can’t dance anymore. We are still dancers.

Writing this memoir—in which each chapter follows the sequence of events in the “Nutcracker” ballet with the stories that happen both onstage and off—was like solving a puzzle. In my book, I tell the story of Clara and the Nutcracker in a new way while also telling the story of what it means to be a professional ballet dancer.

My hope is that dancers and artists who integrate their passions with the grind of daily life will find this book and see themselves in Clara’s journey.


What connection do you see between your work as a dancer and as a writer?
Ballet taught me to show up every day whether I felt like it or not. It taught me that even though I might feel competitive with my fellow dancers, the only control I had was over my own work. And often that wasn’t really “control.” It also taught me the uselessness of perfectionism. If you don’t try to find joy in the moment, it will pass you by.

These lessons help me every day as a writer. I can only write my ideas. I can’t try to be someone else. I can keep chasing the next big project, but I’ll miss it if I don’t stop to appreciate the work that is happening right now in the present.

Ballet also taught me the value of mentors, friends and chosen family. We learn from those around us. If you surround yourself with dancers and artists and writers who are better than you are and kinder than you are, you will improve. You will become kinder.


What kept you in the world of dance despite the challenges you faced?
I stayed in the world of dance because of the challenges. The human body should not be able to dance en pointe—and yet we do! We turn and jump and balance on the tips of our toes—our entire body weight is supported on less than two square inches. And we look graceful at the same time! Every day it is a challenge to be met and it’s a thrill that never gets old.

The most difficult challenges, however, weren’t physical. They were financial. It was hard to string together enough work to pay the bills, and I often moved to the city or country where the jobs were. Miraculously, it always worked out—a company that offered free housing for its dancers or a tour that paid double. But it was hard to have the faith that good things would just drop out of the sky. When they did, it was always a better opportunity than what I had imagined for myself. In many ways, I stayed in the dance world because I was curious to see what would happen next.


Is there a central message that readers can take from the book?
The love of dance and the desire to dance lives inside you. No one can dim that light. No one can take it away.


Any advice for creatives who are looking to pivot to a new medium?
I think there is overlap in most of the arts. Writing is physical—maybe not to the extent that dancing is, but you still have to eat well and sleep well. The ergonomics of writing—posture, typing, back support affect your writing.

But here are some questions creatives can ask themselves:

• What worked for you in your old medium? How might that help you in your new medium? 
• What were some of the blind spots? 
• What were some of the characteristics of the mentors in your old medium that inspired you? Look for these characteristics in the people of the new community. Those will be your mentors. 

And remember, even though the form changes, we ultimately gravitate back to a central theme we are working out for ourselves. For me, I am always trying to unlock the secret to seeing others (be they characters or real people) the way they want to be seen and how this plays out in the power dynamics or our daily lives.

Rhode Island Author Expo: Political chaos and real-life adventures across the world

As the big day approaches, here’s the final of the two-part series previewing the Rhode Island Author Expo, which takes place on Saturday, Dec. 2, from 10 a.m.-4 p.m. It’s a free event with more than 100 writers, panels, raffles and more.

David Shoorens is up first and his book, “The Refuge,” may have that “ripped from the headlines” sound, but I assure you, it is a work of fiction….for now. The U.S. is a broken country, with a far-right president granted unprecedented power over their political opponents. We talk about the story and how it came to be, the characters that inhabit it, and his take on the world as it is now.

Closing this episode out is Thomas Brillat with his first book, “Ekaternia.” The main character Ekaternia is a relative of Tom’s and he talks about how he learned of her story, and how he turned these family tales into a completed book. He goes into the more memorable stories and how he wrote what was effectively a ‘practice book’ before writing this one.

Author’s debut memoir shows hope amidst a battle against addiction and abuse

Maya Golden

Maya Golden’s life seems perfect—award-wining journalist, loyal wife, and a new mom. But in private, she battled addiction, perfectionism, and rage from sexual abuse at the hands of many people. In her new memoir, “The Return Trip,” (Rising Action Publishing Collective) Maya shares her journey to end the secrets of her life and the three moments of divine intervention that saved her.

In this interview, Curtis and Max talk with Maya about what inspired her decision to share her story, how it helped in the healing process and what she hopes readers take away from it. We look at the writing process and how the story was helped by her editor and the many writing groups which she’s a member of.

Pitching a story is old hat for a veteran journalist like Maya, but a novel is an entirely different matter, and we look at how long it took before a publisher says “yes.” Maya talks about the challenge of coming up with a title that really encompasses the story. We also look at the next book she has in the works and the new paths it’s taken her down.

Memoir shares the world of purity culture and new viewpoints

Chrissy Holm

By Max Bowen

Raised in a home that followed the teachings of purity culture, Chrissy Holm had to suppress her bisexuality for the sake of family. But at age 16, all that changed when her parents got a divorce. Following this, Chrissy began a journey of discovery, mistakes and belief, all told though her coming-of-age memoir, “Finding Sunlight.”

In this interview, Chrissy talks about reliving her youth through the writing process, how it influenced how she views her family and the impact of her parents’ divorce.


What was it like for you to relive your younger years while writing the story?
Honestly, it was challenging in moments to think back to some of those memories that weren’t as great, or I felt a lot of shame around. I often found myself writing those scenes and needing to take a break. Some memories came back so vividly, while others were a bit faded and needed clarification from others. Although reliving those younger years was tough at times, knowing how much I’ve grown and changed since then was freeing. Additionally, revising, expanding, and adding more depth to them also helped me process those moments.

What were those younger years like?
When I was younger, I followed the rules and often didn’t ask why because Dad told me once, “If I tell you to jump, don’t say ‘why.’ Say ‘how high.’” To me, that struck true. While there were absolutely happy moments in my childhood, I now understand the ‘why’ behind some of the not-so-happy moments, some of which I wrote about in my memoir. Also, I remember I didn’t feel like I had much autonomy to choose, and when I did, it was a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ option. Whether it was seeking wisdom from God the Father or my own dad, I couldn’t find my own answers.

Did the writing process give you any new perspectives on your family?
Absolutely! As I interviewed my family members, I thought it was interesting how similar and yet different each person’s perspective of each situation was. I liked understanding and listening to what people thought and felt about most things we never really discussed. 

What is purity culture?
Purity culture is often related to conservative religious practices of promoting abstinence before marriage, emphasizing traditional gender roles and discouraging any form of sexual expression outside of heterosexual marriage. Some examples are girls requiring long hair and dresses, and there’s an abstinence-only approach to sex education. It also includes ideals, such as women being responsible for men’s sexual behavior.

What was your journey following your parents’ divorce?
After my parents were divorced, it was a rocky handful of years. Though I wasn’t clinically diagnosed, I do believe I faced depression and felt a lot of shame within my own relationships. Their divorce led to a loss of hope that I wouldn’t have a successful partnership because my parents didn’t, and it also shook my world after being raised in a devout Christian home. As my journey continued, I would face many challenges that would test my beliefs but ultimately lead to my now husband.

What do you hope readers take away from this? 

I would love for readers to discuss the harms of purity culture and other restrictive religious teachings, not only for the LGBTQ+ community but all people. I would love for people to examine their lives, write more about their relationships, and discuss what makes us human, such as love or forgiveness.

Memoir shows how to find the true warrior within

Courtney Ramm joins me to talk about her memoir, “Eris Rising,” available Oct. 27 through Acorn Publishing, which details a professional dancer, choreographer, and yoga teacher crossing paths with an enticing, yet manipulative man named Marcus, and the relationship marked by emotional and even physical abuse that followed. Courtney has been out of this relationship for some time and talks about how it's possible to move forward from such a time and grow into a true warrior.

Rhode Island Author Expo, Part 2

Here's the second installment of my interviews from the Rhode Island Author Expo. Debbie Kaiman Tillinghast is up first to share her stories growing up on Prudence Island in her book, “The Ferry Home.” 

M.A. Guglielmo is up next to talk about her debut novel, “Summoned.” A jinn, an evil sorcerer, and vengeful fallen angel—this one's got it all!

The last interview for this episode is with S.M. Stevens for her book “Horseshoes and Hand Grenades,” a true-to-life tale for the #MeToo generation, in which two women reclaim their careers, romances and lives after suffering harassment and abuse.