Five by Five—Exploring a connection with mom

By Max Bowen

In her memoir, “The History We Carry,” Margaret Whitford explores her relationship with her mother, which the author describes as at “an emotional and physical distance from each other.”

Whitford said she was inspired to write this book following her mothers passing, which she was not present for. Whitford begins uncovering the history that shaped their relationship—from wartime Europe to cycles of violence, loss, and complex PTSD. In doing so, she explores how generational trauma shapes identity, relationships, and the ways we move through the world.

Visit https://margaretwhitford.com for more information and to get your copy.

How would you describe your relationship with your mother?
I loved my mother deeply and believe she loved me but I could not feel the warmth of her love. It was something I understood intellectually. In that sense, we remained at both an emotional and physical distance from each other. In retrospect, I can see that my mother tried to express her love for me—in her words of encouragement, in acts of kindness—but my anger often kept me from appreciating her efforts to reach me.

What inspired you to write this book?
I was not with my mother during her final days, and I could have been. After she died, I realized that the distance between us fit a familiar pattern. Understanding its origins became the catalyst for the memoir. That led me to an exploration of my mother's history and the way it had shaped her and our relationship.

Were there any parts of the book that were a challenge to write?
There were, of course, challenges of craft but these are part of the writing process. The parts of the book that required me to delve deeply into memories of my childhood and adolescence were often emotionally very difficult. Writing the book at times ignited my grief for my mother and the childhood I had wanted but did not have.

What’s your advice for those writing similar books?
Be clear about your motives for writing the book. If you are looking for revenge, you are not likely to treat your characters with integrity. Be as honest as you can by asking yourself what role you might have played in the events you are exploring. Do not shy away from revisiting experiences that haunt you. And, finally, take care of yourself physically and emotionally because writing about trauma can be painful.

What do you hope people get or learn from reading your book?
I hope readers will be encouraged to examine or reconsider challenging familial relationships—especially those with their primary caregivers—from a new perspective, one that asks questions about the forces that shaped these people. I also hope doing so will give readers new insights into the patterns of their own lives. And, finally, I hope this understanding encourages readers to set aside those behaviors and attitudes that do not serve them.