Five By Five: Years of research informs book on walking away from a strained relationship

By Max Bowen

In her new book, “Estranged: How Strained Female Friendships Can Be Mended or Ended,” Susan Shapiro Barash dives into the complexity of female relationships. The book, which took years to research, came about after Susan heard several stories about the difficulties in ending a relationship with a close friend or sister.

In this Five by Five, Susan talks about the inspiration behind the book and the lengthy research she did. She talks about her experience with difficult relationships and what she hopes readers take from the book.

What inspired you to write this book?
I wanted to write this book for a long while and began the research several years ago. I kept hearing stories of women 'breaking up' with a close female friend or a sister and how distraught there were. I was also hearing about a shift in attitude and rather than be ashamed and/or devastated, many reported they felt free and as if they had some agency.

What kind of research was done?
I interviewed 150 women for this project and did a questionnaire with another 111 women. This was comprised of a diverse group of women from across the country. I researched studies, read articles and books about relationships, friendships and looked at pop culture, fiction and history in terms of female bonds.

In writing this book, what reasons did you learn as to why it can be difficult to walk away from a broken friendship?
It is difficult for women of all ages to leave an unhealthy friendship. The reasons include: secrets shared, the years of being close now disintegrating, the societal message that our female friends are our support system, losing ground socially — especially if two friends are in the same group, being judged, being alone, no longer being included.

I was intrigued by the different examples of unhealthy friendships. What’s your experience been with these types?
The types of friendships I established for this book are the result of the 150 interviews. After listening I realized that the interviewees fell into these 'categories.' The scenarios and issues that emerged were familiar and happened frequently. Each 'type' of friend resonates on some level—Like most of you, I have encountered a few along the way. What matters is that we 'wake up' and see the friendship for what it is and consider the value or lack of value.

What do you hope readers take from this book?
My hope is that women identify with the interviewees' narratives and realize they can estrange from an unhealthy friendship, regardless of the history and attachment. That there is power and positivity in doing so. It is liberating and gives women more voice and confidence in themselves. There is no reason to stay in an emotionally abusive, negative friendship, no matter than our culture tells us we are bffs forever. It isn't always so and my findings show that females are beginning to own this, happily.